Posted by: notsofancynancy | October 6, 2013

The Need to Escape

Have you ever had that feeling you needed to escape? To get away from the stresses of everyday life? Reinvent your self? Something you may not know about me is I got pregnant when I was 15. My daughter was born just after my 16 birthday. It has not been an easy time as I was a single mother. I was a kid but I was a mother. Of course my mother did not give me a chance to try to be a mother but that is a whole other story.

I started working when I was 16 washing dishes in a retirement center. I made $1.29 an hour. That was a long time ago, my daughter will be 40 in November. I worked at many jobs since then but my point is I paid my way. She did not always live with me because I worked long hours and was never home. My point is although I did not make much and often lived paycheck to paycheck I survived.

I eventually went to a trade school and became an optician. I made decent money. I have always been an independent single woman. In 2000 I got married for the first time. I never thought I would say yes to anyone but this man made me feel important and I love him dearly.

In about 2001 I had moved on to doing payroll for 5 companies. Although it wasn’t near what I was making before I was earning money and my hubby made good money. We were sitting pretty until I got sick. After many tests I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia along with having two herniated discs in my neck. These two things changed my life as I knew it. I was always very active love hiking, rock hounding, and 4x4ing. The fibro left me in a fog and there was no way I could do bookkeeping and was making too many errors. After they did neck surgery I was never able to go back to work. One thing fibro does it takes all the fight out of you. One day of stress can mean a week in bed from a flare up. I had been in a battle with my body with the last thirteen years. Most days the fibro wins. This year I was also diagnosed with five herniated discs in my lower back.

As you can see I have not been able to work since 2002. I have lost my identity. If feel I need to run away and I have no where to go and no money to do that. Through all those years of working I have always kept a stash “In case” Since I have no income I have no stash and I have no way to escape. I have never been able to grasp the whole his money is my money. His money is his and I have none.I tried to escape today. Packed my shit and tried to leave. I did not get very far with only a quarter of a tank of gas and twenty dollars cash. I thought I could just sleep in the tent camper on my truck. I threw my stuff in the truck and pulled off. Wait I need my pillow and a sleeping bag Where would I go? I mean I have fiends and some family that would take me in but I cannot support myself. I had no problem camping by my self and we have a lot of desert around us, but I don’t have a gun and no food(may be a good thing) And what about my dogs? I can’t just take them to live with me in the middle of the desert.

I am feeling helpless. I have locked myself in my darkened room and if it did not feel like I was going to smother I would put the pillow over my head. I have over medicated but I know not enough to kill me. I keep telling myself I need to finish my father’s story before I check out. I really wonder what damn lesson I am supposed to learn from this.

Going to sleep now tomorrow HAS to look better

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I have a secret island I escape to. It’s not real, except in my mind. I painted a picture of it and wrote about it a while back: http://carondann.com/2013/08/04/the-colour-of-the-mountains/
    I enjoy reading your posts, the historical ones as well as the others.
    Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

  2. Whoops! I posted the wrong picture. This is the island one I was talking about: http://carondann.com/2013/07/14/my-secret-island/

  3. I hope writing it out opens a doorway to the light and puts the darkness at your back. I can not imagine the frustration or pain your disease may bring but I DO know that the love in your writing comes from a person who has strength inside. Keep writing the story, hug your hubby, and the lessons? Maybe its just that sometimes we all want to run screaming from it, but the inside strength kicks us in the butt and forces us forward. Many hugs.

  4. Hugs

  5. Sending prayers your way. It’s not always easy, but the love of God and the support of friends helps.

  6. You know I have been there and fought back and made it still unable to be the old me but learning to love myself and who I have become Love you honey hope you can make it through another day it is all we need sometimes to see the light XO

  7. Nancy, this is a beautiful post and I thank you for sharing your story. My mother and friend have fibromyalgia, but I really am still unaware of it. I do know about depression. I have lived with it nearly all my life. Even at a very young age, I questioned why I needed to carry on. But we are here and I feel we are supposed to do something other than continue the species. A day will come and the fog will lift and you may find a new passion for finishing the book. It is what happens to me. I feel life must be at its end or I will surely put it there and then one day comes and I find something to live for. Or as you put, find a reason not to run away. I think about that all the time. I just want to pick up my things and leave everything behind me. I think it is our strong convictions to those we love that keep us here and the pull of something else that says we have better things to do than run away and we must stay here to do them. Keep fighting, Nancy. For in this world, we are never alone.

  8. Nancy, my heart truly goes out to you for you to so candidly share your story. I see it as a cry for help. But wait! There is a remedy! Actually, He is a person and He loves you supremely. HIs name…Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, and that means YOU.

    He loves you, He sees what you have been through in your life. Just pour your heart out to Him as you did so freely to us. Ask Him to help you, ask Him to come into your life and heal your pain, physical and emotional.

    I know you have a zest for life. I saw you riding , your riding lawnmower with your wedding dress on, after all!

    Ask for help. Don’t sink into blackness and gloom. There is hope. There is light. There is peace.

    Call on the name of the Lord. He will hear your faintest cry. He loves you enough, He died for you. I would say that is the greatest love available.

    I will pray for you. Don’t give up and check out on life. It is too precious!

    Get help. Don’t despair.

  9. Tomorrow will be better. All of us are praying for you, and that has to be worth something. *hugs*

  10. Prayers for you and your situation Nancy. I hope that things get better and work our for the best for you. You deserve to be happy.

  11. So sorry to hear of your pain and loss of direction. Hope you get through this need to flee and can take power and strength from the great things that surround you (family, friends, the critters). Hugs over the ether.

  12. I can’t begin to know or understand the pain and struggles you’ve gone through to arrive at this dark place in your life. All I can say is the world is a better place because you’re here.

  13. Tomorrow will be better; and if tomorrow isn’t better, the next day will be. You are not alone, and you are more than any medical condition with which you have been labeled.

  14. I love your honesty, Nancy. Been. There. Please take care of yourself!

  15. yes, I have too often wanted to escape…especially lately. A few years ago my husband and I went through a terrible time financially and I found peace through Spiritual Direction, a pastor in our denomination put me on the right path. And I do believe it was that experience that prepared me for today. I wish I could say my walk with Christ has been all sunshine and roses but life is what it is and circumstances have a way of overwhelming us. I do not know your faith – but this I can tell you – no matter what your faith Jesus is right there with you. You may not feel it right now but He is there – I know because I have been where you are. Jesus promised to never leave us and He never has. Lean on Him, your family and friends right now. You are not alone – and blogging friends have indeed become part of my family during these past few months. You are a very special lady – your dad would be so proud of what you accomplished. I have learned that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train! Blessing and hugs ~

  16. Nancy I hope today is feeling, and looking, better. I don’t know your pain. But I feel your anguish through your words.

    • Thanks I had to find my focus. Getting Dad’s story told has to be the most important thing right now, No pity party here today…. well almost none.

      • Almost no pity party sounds much better. I’m glad. Be well.

  17. Hi Nancy, I just found reader on WordPress (I’m not a detail person LOL) and I started reading your blog today… I know we’ve chatted a bit on mine, but what I haven’t shared on my blog is that I battle depression too. I share my anxiety.. but depression, well it’s an ugly beast and sometimes it’s hard to keep it at bay.. so thanks for sharing your feelings. There are a lot of us out there, and we aren’t as brave as you 🙂 And hang in there girlfriend. I’m rooting for you, and sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers xo

    • Thank you so much for leaving a comment. I always say unless you suffer from it you have no idea where we come from. Your words brought a tear to my eye thank you so much I am touched. I am standing strong today as you know once the beast shows up it is just as easy for it to disappear. That is why it is so confusing. Hugs to you my friend and I am always here to listen if you need.

  18. My friend told me that the black dog of depression always followed her around but sometimes she was able to ignore him and make him sit in the corner of the room rather than centre stage. You have a gift to be able to write and I’m moved by your honesty. If you need professional help please don’t be afraid to ask for it as depression is an illness and if you need some help to train that black dog back into the corner do it! Take care. Love and woofs Louise x

    • Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I have been battling that black dog all my life. Most days it stays in that corner but some days it attacks without warning. I am through it now thanks for this new analogy. For me it helps to write about it. God bless and thank you

  19. Oh, Nancy, I’m so sorry you felt like this. Of course I have felt the need to escape, and it’s really frustrating when you just can’t, because of money and ties and so on. I also tried meditating – thought myself up a quiet pond in the bush and went there in my head. It did work for me. It works better if you do it regularly, so you can go there easily (although I don’t now as the crisis is long over). I had no idea you’d had such a challenging life. Good for you, battling through – you’re a heroine!

    • Thank you so much. I made it trough another bout of depression. I am ok now! Thank you.

  20. writing a blog has taken me out of that fog. I hope you find some of your identity again by writing. You’re fantastic at it.. 🙂

    • Thank you Livonne. Writing has helped a lot.

  21. […] if you’re more in the mood for an unusual blog, Not So Fancy Nancy posted something the other week that much surprised me.  I had no idea that Nancy had such an […]

  22. I hope you had a brighter day. I think everyone has days when they want to run away!!

    • Thank you I am back! The ugliness has passed and I am back on path. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who has those days. It really helps.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

It's all in a Nutshell

A nutty crochet blog for nutty people

Make My Day Creative

Exploring things crafty, crochet, and beyond

Bill Willson

My Writing Life

findingmynewbliss

Lost my bliss looking for a new one

Dear Judy...Letters to Tanzania

What the hell, it's cheaper than postage

The People of Pancho

At Play In The Archive

Wayne's Journal

A life of a B-25 tail gunner with the 42nd Bombardment Group in the South Pacific

%d bloggers like this: